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ChangingMinds Blog! > Blog Archive > 05-Dec-05

Monday 05-Dec-05

Friends in need, real friends and fairweather friends

'A friend in need, is a friend indeed' is a popular saying, implying that people become friends when they need something from you. Whilst this can indeed be true, the reverse is also significant. When you are in need, then you find out who are your real friends.

An acquaintance found out recently that she has a chronic medical condition. Nothing visible and nothing to stop her living a normal life, but something that will occasionally flare up and cause discomfort. She also found out something of the difference between real and fairweather friends.

She informed them simply because she is an open and honest person. There was no seeking of particular help. Perhaps a little sympathy, but no special treatment or additional attention.

When she told some friends, they responded with concern. They listened without asking anything in return. They asked how they could help. These were real friends.

Others, who she also believed to be friends of the same sort, responded first with selfish concerns. They asked if it was infectious in any way or that might somehow catch it. Then they melted away, despite reassurance of their safety.

Fairweather friends are those who are most likely to appear when they are in need or, at best, when you are not in need. Real friends don't care about your need. They will help where they can and know that it's ok if they can only offer a little sympathy.

This must be something like what it is to have cancer, HIV or AIDS. Those who were friends when all was well suddenly show their true colors, whilst some from the core and some from the periphery fly the true flag of friendship, offering and giving what help they can.

Your comments

 Yeah, well, I'm in here waiting for their needs, with my anon quote, "Best friends are like diamonds, precious and rare. False friends are like leaves, found everywhere." Trouble is, all I seem to have around me is false friends. 1I have been out of town for over 2 months. Seems now that I have returned, everyone has moved on and/or afraid of abandonment. It was the same cold shoulder I got where I was visiting -everyone there on vacation or braced for rejection in a transient tourist world. Wish I could accept my loner reality, in motion, not sure where to settle.

-- leaf

Dave replies:
I have few good friends and many acquaintances. I was certainly a loner in high school and only made good friends  when I went to University. Others find their way in different ways. Key is to ask yourself difficult questions and reply honestly, without beating up on yourself. We're all human and fallible. Then actively get into self-development, ditching any self-pity, self-loathing, etc. And first you won't mind not having friends. Then, oddly, when you don't need them, they will appear.

Good for a teenager to read. For a middle-aged adult with a chronic disabling medical conditions, not too in depth.
A good start.

-- Becky

I am a girl and I want be a friend for a boy but I want just friendship

-- Lina

Dave replies:
You and many, many other girls, Lina (including my daughter). It's a sad fact that many boys find this difficult. There are those out there, however, who can be 'just friends'. The problem is that they may not want to stay that way. Fewer still can do this properly.  One way that this does happen is where the boy is gay. This may seem strange, but gay guys make great friends with girls as neither will want any more than friendship.

 I've found out the real meaning to fake friends and real friends. Real friends are always there for you no matter what fake friends are people who just talk to you when they have no one else to talk too.

Am I right?

~Mary

Dave replies:
That's a pretty good definition, Mary. There are some shades of gray also between real and fake friends --- for example many intermediate friends will be there for you sometimes. But the best of friends are, indeed, there for you through thick and thin. Also remember that friendship is a reciprocal arrangement, and you also need to be there for them too. 

 Most of my friends disappear when I am in need of them, however when they need me. I always offer them hand whether emotionally or financially. when things are good for me they tend to call me or gather around me. what shall I do? will I cut them off or keep helping them no matter what they do to me.

abdi

Dave replies:
These sounds like fairweather friends, Abdi.  My advice would be that after you have offered a certain level of support to a friend that if they do not reciprocate on the same level, that you do not offer the higher level of support again. If you like, give them one more chance, but do not keep doing this in the vain hope that they will one day improve. You don't need to cut them off, but it does make sense to downgrade those who do not reciprocate at the same level from 'close friends' to 'acquaintances' with whom you spend some time. There are other people like you out there, believe me, who will reciprocate at the same level as you, but do not waste time on those who do not want this level of supportive friendship.

I have friends i don't knew if they are real... I got 1 close friend, he is the only closest friend in my whole life that is why i can say that he is my best friend. But i cant tell if he treat me as a best friend as well. Every time he is in needs he contacts me and I'm always there. Does it mean that I''m already his best friend? Am wondering if he only uses me and needs me when he is in need. But when not. he don't even give me a call or even say hi and hello. this bothers me a lot.

-- jing nea

Dave replies:
It sounds like for him you're a good friend, but I don't know if you're his best friend or if he has a best friend (I have friends but no best friend). Friendship is about giving and getting in some format that works for you. It can also mean letting them go their own way. If you ask too much of a friend (as they define it) they may distance themselves from you more. We all have need for contact but some people have more need than others. I have friends I see every few years and that is just fine.  It takes two to be friends and each may have a different idea of what that friendship should be like, which can be difficult but it doesn't mean they cannot be friends.

 I have a friend who i think just uses me alot. He comes around when his mom grounds him or punishes him, or when they don't have alot of food or his 'favorite' food, He comes over whenever i get new games for playstation, and he swears alot. he wants me to swear too, but i don't feel right when i swear. I'm thinking he's not a good friend to be around, i don't even feel that safe around him because he got suspended for having a knife at school. What should i do?

-- Kathryn

Dave replies:
Kathryn, I think you're right. It looks like he's using you. I'd make excuses and refuse. Be out when he calls. Just say no.

"Dave's reply to Lina:
You and many, many other girls, Lina (including my daughter). It's a sad fact that many boys find this difficult. There are those out there, however, who can be 'just friends'. The problem is that they may not want to stay that way. Fewer still can do this properly. One way that this does happen is where the boy is gay. This may seem strange, but gay guys make great friends with girls as neither will want any more than friendship."

I take offense to this. My group of friends is about evenly matched as far as gender goes, and one of the 2 vary close friends i have is a girl. While I'll admit that I have had a lot of luck with friends (almost all my friends have stood by me no matter what happened. And considering how annoying i can get, that's pity hard) I still can't see a friendship between a boy and a girl to be particularly hard to maintain as just a friendship (Although this may be just my opinion...).

-- Yuriy (a guy in high school.)

Dave replies:
You are right, Yuriy, that guys can have female friends who are just friends and I've a few myself. It's just that there's a lot of misunderstanding out there about what people want from a relationship and it's easy to confuse 'just friends' and 'romantic relationships'. Before I was married I fell into the trap a few times with girls who wanted to be friends and I wanted more. Since marriage and with a bit more learning I've had a number of women send romantic signals when I am just being friendly (I know the dangers here and do not play away).

I agree with the confusion signals you talk about between friends of the other sex. I am married and I have had friends say that I'm being romantic when actually I thought I was being friendly. In fact my best friend started falling for my husband in much this same way. Do you have any advice for figuring out how to tell the difference between flirty, teasing friendly and playful friendship?

-- Jada

Dave replies:
Hmm. Tricky. One method I'd use is to talk about my partner and watch the response. If they are happy with you talking about your other half, it's friendly. If they look miffed and back off, then it's probably not.

In fact i'm moroccan male . i think the real friendship is't to help your friend and share him his all problems .and help him. and considered him just like your self or more . so we have one life so we need to life it at peace and happyness

-- man

 Well, uhm. It's summertime and only a COUPLE of my friends -- who seemed like my best friends in school, have talked to me. I send them comments saying "Hi" but they don't comment me back. Just their other friends. I've done nothing wrong what should I do? Do I not talk to them when school starts again? I'm really sad and upset that most of them are doing the same thing to me.

-- lost and confused

Dave replies:
Well first, you are not alone. This happens to many, many people. Don't assume you might have done something 'wrong' because usually, you haven't. The most common cause is that people have different friends in different places and times (they are thus 'situated'). Thus you may be seen as a good friend in school, but not outside or not in the summer. There are many other possibilities, from going on holiday to meeting other people.

When people who I thought were universal friends - that is friends at all time in all places - become reticent or difficult, then the first thing I do is back off a little. The last thing friends should do is chase after one another saying 'I want you to be my friend'. I then do little tests, like sending them a text and seeing if they reply, what they say, etc. This tells me whether they want to be universal or situated friends.

I have lots of situated friends and few universal friends, and I'm comfortable with this. If people want to be more friendly, then I also have to decide if that's what I want, so I do 'situating' too. What I've found is that when you offer accepting friendship and do not chase people, then more people will seek your company. I want friends to be comfortable with me and not feel obliged. If they want to go elsewhere, that's just fine and I don't feel bad about it.

 My name is joan chentu and i will like to have a friend. My father is a pastor and my mother is a house wife. If i am writing to you, is just that i need a friend .I need someone in whom i can true a friend who will always be there for me when i need help. this is why i am writing to you.
 

Dave replies:
Friends are people we find, Joan. True friends do not appear immediately as we must first learn to trust one another. Friends may be there when you need help but you also need to be there when they need help. The best way to find friends is often not to look for them but simply to be a gentle friend to others. In order to receive, you must first give. There are many who need your friendship and support. Be that generous friend who seeks nothing in return but the satisfaction of seeing them smile and, when you least expect it, you will find you have more friends than you knew.

I have many, many acquaintances, and I get on with a lot of people very well. A lot of them I don't tend to see outside of work. I grew apart from my close friends from school as we tend to do different things nowadays. I have a "best mate" who I'm still good mates with from school, who I go to gigs and events with (all the things my old school mates don't do) and go to the pub for a drink with regularly, he comes round my house and we watch TV, generally just having a laugh. But he has little "digs" at me, which sometimes gets me down. I know its only a bit of banter but a lot of my old friends do this as well. I've helped him out financially in the past and don't expect it in return as he isn't as well off as me. I haven't been going out a lot for the last month or so due to financial circumstances, and my "best mate" is concerned at this and seems to want me to go "out on the town". Is this a real/best friend?

-- Steve

Dave replies:
Friendship is a complex affair -- the only real rule is 'what works for you both'. Friendships where one gains at the expense of another are dysfunctional. We use friends to define ourselves and when these people change, even for the better, we may become annoyed as this effectively changes our selves (and hence we may prod, provoke and otherwise try to get the original person back).

Banter can be really saying 'you're different -- I want the old you back'. Effectively it is trying to put you into the box where they feel most comfortable with you (although this is seldom a conscious activity).

Your best mate wanting you to go out on the town may be him trying to cheer you up in the way he would cheer himself up. When this conflicts with your need to conserve money, a good friend should really accept this.

The best friends accept you as you are, not as they want you to be.

 I've been discouraged by people who I had considered to be a "friend". I thought I had been fairly close to Sarah because of how frequently we saw each other during nursing school. Sarah was my maid of honor in December of last year. I flew her entire family in at our expense, bought her expensive jewelry and had several good conversations. While I don't think she is intentionally ignoring me, it will take many phonecalls on my end before I ever get her to call me just once. This is really hurtful. I am a loyal, loving-hearted, and giving person who has a wonderful husband and family. I would love to be a loyal friend to someone who would just make more of an effort to be a friend to me. Sometimes I wish I just had someone other than my husband to confide in.

Sad and Disappointed--
Sonia

I have a friend name Tiana . Everyone thinks she's fake . I stood up for her because i didn't think that . We became good friends . She knows me pretty well and I know her pretty well now . I tell her everything and she tells me everything . Who I like and who she likes . She liked a guy named DJ and Ii did whatever to help her . She appreciated what I did for her and all . She then wanted to help me on my love life . She knew who I liked of course . She said she wanted to help me but then a couple days later she then liked the same guy I liked . I know feelings cant be help but she lied to me . She keeps giving me hope and stuff but at the same time she's crushing it . Tiana told me that it may just be a crush . I just don't know what to do now . I'm not disappointed or mad that she has a crush on the person I like but I'm more of a mad that she always lead people on in liking her but she says she would never like them back, I'm more disappointed and mad that she lied to me, trying to give me hope but backstabbing that when she turns around . Is she a true friend? What should I do?

Confused&Quiet ;
Natalie

Dave replies:
Sometimes there are difficult decisions between friends and romance and it looks like Tiana has chosen romance. In doing so, she has forfeited your friendship. Is she a true friend? It doesn't look like it. I'd do one of two things: (a) dump her in the way she seems to be dumping the trust you placed in her, or (b) tell her how you feel, and if she does not come up with a really good answer, revert to (a).

I have a friend for close to 20 yrs whose life has been very similar to mine. We are single moms of 1 son each which they are now grown young men. We have become even closer over the past several yrs and had become running buddies since we are obviously older and our circle of single friends has gotten smaller.

But, my friend has found a mate after all these years and I was really happy for her.. he is a doctor and they are getting married, but even though she assured that our friendship would not dissipate it has..in the past year we went from talking to each other daily and being involved in each other's life to now we may talk every few weeks for a few minutes.

I feel used and hurt because I know she hasn't abandoned another friend of hers that she has had even longer than me. I want to say something to her about how I feel, but then I think I shouldn't. I always thought the world of her, and wouldn't think that she would use anyone, but it is difficult not to think that she only used me because she needed a running buddy, after all we had been friends for so long. She has not reciprocated at the same level and our friendship is changing from 'close friends' to 'acquaintance', and at this late stage of life I am hurt since I thought we were lifelong friends and thought we would share in each other's lives even if we did find a mate. If I didn't know that she hasn't changed her relationship and closeness with her other lifelong friend I wouldn't feel used and hurt.. What do you think?

-- nak

Dave replies:
How you feel is quite understandable, Nak. When a long-term friend changes the status of your friendship of course it is going to hurt. The question is how you think about it and what you do about it.

A trap is to reframe the friend as bad. If you think them as bad you will act as if they are bad and effectively drive them further away. This is one option, of course and you can abandon them as they seem to have abandoned you. There are many lonely people in the world who would appreciate more some of your kind attention.

Another way of looking at it is as an episode in life. For a while, you gave each other succour and support, but now the situation has changed and your friendship must change too. Like a child who moves away and only calls their parents infrequently, sometimes people move on. The child may still love their parents but they no longer need them, perhaps because their parents have given them enough in many ways to enable the child to fly the coop into greater independence.

Her spending more time other friend is curious and perhaps reflects that the person is giving more to a specific need that you do not give. This is normal! We get different things from different friends. It is quite possible that what you gave in the past she now gets from her new partner.

My advice would be to find some quality time with your friend and discuss things openly and, very importantly, without blame. Listen to what each needs and accept that some of your needs that she fulfilled in the past now must be found elsewhere. Keep the love that is there and cherish what you gave each other for so many years.

 I recently moved back to my hometown in Georgia after 10 years of living in NYC. Of course I found myself isolated and lonely, missing the (what I thought to be) very important friendships I left up north. A month into being here, my mother suddenly & unexpectedly passed away. I'm an only child & we were extremely close, we battled and argued much like most mothers and daughters but we loved each other with such intensity. The most eye opening lesson I've learned from this experience was who turned out to be real friends. People I didn't consider my closest friends came out of the wood work to support me and offer an unconditional shoulder to cry on & and ear for me to vent...however my best friend of 15 years neglected to call me after a few brief conversations the day of my mothers death. After over a month of waiting for her to call, I finally wrote her an email, asking her simply if I had done something to upset her, why I hadn't heard from her? Her reply was basically this:

I love you, but I am focusing on "my path, goals & dreams". She wished me the best and said we will always be friends, then ended her simple email stating "I just need my space right now"

Never in my life did I expect someone so close who I've spent half of my life with to do to me what I've seen her do to others time and time again, using her ambition as a barrier to caring for another. Undoubtedly I tell myself how sorry I feel for her that she is completely and totally incapable of sharing human qualities such as sympathy and compassion, but it still does not dull the pain of being left, asking for help and being denied even the simplest act of kindness.

With that I will say I am so grateful for those people in my life who very much rallied around me and still, a month and a half later (and probably as long as it takes), continue to rally around me. True friends are indeed the most precious gift anyone can have, and I try as often as possible to let them know how grateful I am & how much I love them. Lesson learned...


-- Lauren

Human life is struggle home its impossible over the a that kind of problem alone. That's why human make friends.

-- Raman

This is a good blog...
it helps to reflect on my own behaviour and feelings about my friendships currently. I made a list of friends in good standing, fairweather, conditional and civil by association and luckily there are 10 in good standing. Man, though do I take my friendships seriously!!

It makes me laugh at myself how upset I can get thinking of a simple life fact like moving. Last week I had to clear out both my small cabins. The only person that showed up was my brother and my father had to tell him to go help me! I told most of my friends that I was moving but I did not ask anyone to help me move since I am always ready to help a friend if they say they are moving (w/o being asked first)... In fact I just received a thank you card from a friend I helped move a few months back saying she appreciated that I am always ready to help her.

Also, recently, a male friend gave me an ultimatum about our "friendship". After many manipulative comments directed at controling our relationship into a romantic place, without success on his part, he said we couldn't hang out with our mutual friends together. Since he's the 'invite' guy, I've been iced out of social occasions with other 'situational', and 'civil' friends I enjoy. For a number of years now, all of the men have avoided much conversation with me, stepping aside for this 'friend'. Now, since I have sternly and w/o inhibition to hurting his feelings said no to his unrelentless motives he, under a guise of being godly, has asked his friends to pray for my problem with commitment with men. After telling me about this in our last conversation recently, I rebuked him saying that it isn't right to make up a problem about someone because your looking to justify why I do not reciprocate your feelings. Also, it appears that he is trying to hurt me back. It bothers me the most that all of these mutual friends are not supporting me since it should be obvious that I do not want him as a boyfriend. Especially to the other men in the group who should see after 5 years that I do not like this man like that since we have never dated or alluded to dating. I don't appreciate being slandered either. Should I let it go?
I don't understand their complacency.

That frustrates me. This 'friend' is very popular, likable guy and the ring leader of many old friends. I had fun getting to know them. Now I am sad that I am out of this group and don't feel that I did anything wrong. Lesson learned: Never fight with the most popular guy when you are moving. No one shows up. Or is it that they are simply not worthy of MY friendship. Because I give it. And I am not afraid to love people as best I can. I am glad I have other friends to talk to. But it remains hurtful to me.

I am taking a year sabbatical and this is a compelling way to move away from fairweather 'friends' who don't take a stand on what's right.

Stung, but not taken out

-- Sting


Dave replies:
Some lessons of life are hard, and it's easy to become cynical. I find words of wisdom helpful sometimes here. Helpful also is to explain how you feel and why. It can be difficult but at least it clears the air and helps you decide what to do next, and stepping away from a friendship is always an option -- for a friendship to work it has to be right for both sides. What 'friendship' means to me may not be the same as what it means to you. Be careful, then, in imposing your values on others.

Indeed there's danger in criticising a group leader, for by doing so you are criticising the group. There are roles (such as the Shakesperian fool) in which this can be done, but it's a slippery path. Criticising the leader can also be seen as a challenge to his/her position, resulting in a fight of some kind.

Whatever works for everyone involved.

F.E.

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