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The ChangingMinds Blog!
ChangingMinds Blog! > Blog Archive > 05-Dec-05
Monday 05-Dec-05
Friends in need, real friends and fairweather friends
'A friend in need, is a friend indeed' is a popular saying, implying that people become friends when they need something from you. Whilst this can indeed be true, the reverse is also significant. When you are in need, then you find out who are your real friends.
An acquaintance found out recently that she has a chronic medical condition. Nothing visible and nothing to stop her living a normal life, but something that will occasionally flare up and cause discomfort. She also found out something of the difference between real and fairweather friends.
She informed them simply because she is an open and honest person. There was no seeking of particular help. Perhaps a little sympathy, but no special treatment or additional attention.
When she told some friends, they responded with concern. They listened without asking anything in return. They asked how they could help. These were real friends.
Others, who she also believed to be friends of the same sort, responded first with selfish concerns. They asked if it was infectious in any way or that might somehow catch it. Then they melted away, despite reassurance of their safety.
Fairweather friends are those who are most likely to appear when they are in need or, at best, when you are not in need. Real friends don't care about your need. They will help where they can and know that it's ok if they can only offer a little sympathy.
This must be something like what it is to have cancer, HIV or AIDS. Those who were friends when all was well suddenly show their true colors, whilst some from the core and some from the periphery fly the true flag of friendship, offering and giving what help they can.
Your comments
Yeah, well, I'm in here waiting for their needs, with my anon quote,
"Best friends are like diamonds, precious and rare. False friends are like
leaves, found everywhere." Trouble is, all I seem to have around me is false
friends. 1I have been out of town for over 2 months. Seems now that I have
returned, everyone has moved on and/or afraid of abandonment. It was the same
cold shoulder I got where I was visiting -everyone there on vacation or braced
for rejection in a transient tourist world. Wish I could accept my loner
reality, in motion, not sure where to settle.
-- leaf
Dave replies:
I have few good friends and many acquaintances. I was certainly a loner in
high school and only made good friends when I went to University. Others
find their way in different ways. Key is to ask yourself difficult questions and
reply honestly, without beating up on yourself. We're all human and fallible.
Then actively get into self-development, ditching any self-pity, self-loathing,
etc. And first you won't mind not having friends. Then, oddly, when you don't
need them, they will appear.
Good for a teenager to read. For a middle-aged adult with a chronic disabling
medical conditions, not too in depth.
A good start.
-- Becky
I am a girl and I want be a friend for a boy but I want just friendship
-- Lina
Dave replies:
You and many, many other girls, Lina (including my daughter). It's a sad
fact that many boys find this difficult. There are those out there, however, who
can be 'just friends'. The problem is that they may not want to stay that way.
Fewer still can do this properly. One way that this does happen is where
the boy is gay. This may seem strange, but gay guys make great friends with
girls as neither will want any more than friendship.
I've found out the real meaning to fake friends and real friends. Real
friends are always there for you no matter what fake friends are people
who just talk to you when they have no one else to talk too.
Am I right?
~Mary
Dave replies:
That's a pretty good definition, Mary. There are some shades of gray also
between real and fake friends --- for example many intermediate friends will be
there for you sometimes. But the best of friends are, indeed, there for
you through thick and thin. Also remember that friendship is a reciprocal
arrangement, and you also need to be there for them too.
Most of my friends disappear when I am in need of them, however when
they need me. I always offer them hand whether emotionally or financially. when
things are good for me they tend to call me or gather around me. what shall I
do? will I cut them off or keep helping them no matter what they do to me.
abdi
Dave replies:
These sounds like fairweather friends, Abdi. My advice would be
that after you have offered a certain level of support to a friend that if they
do not reciprocate on the same level, that you do not offer the higher level of
support again. If you like, give them one more chance, but do not keep doing
this in the vain hope that they will one day improve. You don't need to cut them
off, but it does make sense to downgrade those who do not reciprocate at the
same level from 'close friends' to 'acquaintances' with whom you spend some
time. There are other people like you out there, believe me, who will
reciprocate at the same level as you, but do not waste time on those who do not
want this level of supportive friendship.
I have friends i don't knew if they are real... I got 1 close friend, he is
the only closest friend in my whole life that is why i can say that he is my
best friend. But i cant tell if he treat me as a best friend as well. Every time
he is in needs he contacts me and I'm always there. Does it mean that I''m
already his best friend? Am wondering if he only uses me and needs me when he is
in need. But when not. he don't even give me a call or even say hi and hello.
this bothers me a lot.
-- jing nea
Dave replies:
It sounds like for him you're a good friend, but I don't know if you're his best
friend or if he has a best friend (I have friends but no best friend).
Friendship is about giving and getting in some format that works for you. It can
also mean letting them go their own way. If you ask too much of a friend (as
they define it) they may distance themselves from you more. We all have need
for contact but some people have more need than others. I have friends I see
every few years and that is just fine. It takes two to be friends and each
may have a different idea of what that friendship should be like, which can be
difficult but it doesn't mean they cannot be friends.
I have a friend who i think just uses me alot. He comes around when his
mom grounds him or punishes him, or when they don't have alot of food or his
'favorite' food, He comes over whenever i get new games for playstation, and he
swears alot. he wants me to swear too, but i don't feel right when i swear. I'm
thinking he's not a good friend to be around, i don't even feel that safe around
him because he got suspended for having a knife at school. What should i do?
-- Kathryn
Dave replies:
Kathryn, I think you're right. It looks like he's using you. I'd make excuses
and refuse. Be out when he calls. Just say no.
"Dave's reply to Lina:
You and many, many other girls, Lina (including my daughter). It's a sad fact
that many boys find this difficult. There are those out there, however, who can
be 'just friends'. The problem is that they may not want to stay that way. Fewer
still can do this properly. One way that this does happen is where the boy is
gay. This may seem strange, but gay guys make great friends with girls as
neither will want any more than friendship."
I take offense to this. My group of friends is about evenly matched as far as
gender goes, and one of the 2 vary close friends i have is a girl. While I'll
admit that I have had a lot of luck with friends (almost all my friends have
stood by me no matter what happened. And considering how annoying i can get,
that's pity hard) I still can't see a friendship between a boy and a girl to be
particularly hard to maintain as just a friendship (Although this may be just my
opinion...).
-- Yuriy (a guy in high school.)
Dave replies:
You are right, Yuriy, that guys can have female friends who are just friends
and I've a few myself. It's just that there's a lot of misunderstanding out
there about what people want from a relationship and it's easy to confuse 'just
friends' and 'romantic relationships'. Before I was married I fell into the trap
a few times with girls who wanted to be friends and I wanted more. Since
marriage and with a bit more learning I've had a number of women send romantic
signals when I am just being friendly (I know the dangers here and do not play
away).
I agree with the confusion signals you talk about between friends of the
other sex. I am married and I have had friends say that I'm being romantic when
actually I thought I was being friendly. In fact my best friend started falling
for my husband in much this same way. Do you have any advice for figuring out
how to tell the difference between flirty, teasing friendly and playful
friendship?
-- Jada
Dave replies:
Hmm. Tricky. One method I'd use is to talk about my partner and watch the
response. If they are happy with you talking about your other half, it's
friendly. If they look miffed and back off, then it's probably not.
In fact i'm moroccan male . i think the real friendship is't to help your
friend and share him his all problems .and help him. and considered him just
like your self or more . so we have one life so we need to life it at peace and
happyness
-- man
Well, uhm. It's summertime and only a COUPLE of my friends -- who
seemed like my best friends in school, have talked to me. I send them comments
saying "Hi" but they don't comment me back. Just their other friends. I've done
nothing wrong what should I do? Do I not talk to them when school starts again?
I'm really sad and upset that most of them are doing the same thing to me.
-- lost and confused
Dave replies:
Well first, you are not alone. This happens to many, many people. Don't
assume you might have done something 'wrong' because usually, you haven't. The
most common cause is that people have different friends in different places and
times (they are thus 'situated'). Thus you may be seen as a good friend in
school, but not outside or not in the summer. There are many other
possibilities, from going on holiday to meeting other people.
When people who I thought were universal friends - that is friends at all time in all places - become reticent or difficult, then the first thing I do is back off a little. The last thing friends should do is chase after one another saying 'I want you to be my friend'. I then do little tests, like sending them a text and seeing if they reply, what they say, etc. This tells me whether they want to be universal or situated friends.
I have lots of situated friends and few universal friends, and I'm comfortable with this. If people want to be more friendly, then I also have to decide if that's what I want, so I do 'situating' too. What I've found is that when you offer accepting friendship and do not chase people, then more people will seek your company. I want friends to be comfortable with me and not feel obliged. If they want to go elsewhere, that's just fine and I don't feel bad about it.
My name is joan chentu and i will like to have a friend. My father is a
pastor and my mother is a house wife. If i am writing to you, is just that i
need a friend .I need someone in whom i can true a friend who will always be
there for me when i need help. this is why i am writing to you.
Dave replies:
Friends are people we find, Joan. True friends do not appear immediately as
we must first learn to trust one another. Friends may be there when you
need help but you also need to be there when they need help. The best way to
find friends is often not to look for them but simply to be a gentle friend to
others. In order to receive, you must first give. There are many who need your
friendship and support. Be that generous friend who seeks nothing in return but
the satisfaction of seeing them smile and, when you least expect it, you will
find you have more friends than you knew.
I have many, many acquaintances, and I get on with a lot of people very well.
A lot of them I don't tend to see outside of work. I grew apart from my close
friends from school as we tend to do different things nowadays. I have a "best
mate" who I'm still good mates with from school, who I go to gigs and events
with (all the things my old school mates don't do) and go to the pub for a drink
with regularly, he comes round my house and we watch TV, generally just having a
laugh. But he has little "digs" at me, which sometimes gets me down. I know its
only a bit of banter but a lot of my old friends do this as well. I've helped
him out financially in the past and don't expect it in return as he isn't as
well off as me. I haven't been going out a lot for the last month or so due to
financial circumstances, and my "best mate" is concerned at this and seems to
want me to go "out on the town". Is this a real/best friend?
-- Steve
Dave replies:
Friendship is a complex affair -- the only real rule is 'what works for you
both'. Friendships where one gains at the expense of another are dysfunctional.
We use friends to define ourselves and when these people change, even for the
better, we may become annoyed as this effectively changes our selves (and hence
we may prod, provoke and otherwise try to get the original person back).
Banter can be really saying 'you're different -- I want the old you back'. Effectively it is trying to put you into the box where they feel most comfortable with you (although this is seldom a conscious activity).
Your best mate wanting you to go out on the town may be him trying to cheer you up in the way he would cheer himself up. When this conflicts with your need to conserve money, a good friend should really accept this.
The best friends accept you as you are, not as they want you to be.
I've been discouraged by people who I had considered to be a "friend".
I thought I had been fairly close to Sarah because of how frequently we saw each
other during nursing school. Sarah was my maid of honor in December of last
year. I flew her entire family in at our expense, bought her expensive jewelry
and had several good conversations. While I don't think she is intentionally
ignoring me, it will take many phonecalls on my end before I ever get her to
call me just once. This is really hurtful. I am a loyal, loving-hearted, and
giving person who has a wonderful husband and family. I would love to be a loyal
friend to someone who would just make more of an effort to be a friend to me.
Sometimes I wish I just had someone other than my husband to confide in.
Sad and Disappointed--
Sonia
I have a friend name Tiana . Everyone thinks she's fake . I stood up for her because i didn't think that . We became good friends . She knows me pretty well and I know her pretty well now . I tell her everything and she tells me everything . Who I like and who she likes . She liked a guy named DJ and Ii did whatever to help her . She appreciated what I did for her and all . She then wanted to help me on my love life . She knew who I liked of course . She said she wanted to help me but then a couple days later she then liked the same guy I liked . I know feelings cant be help but she lied to me . She keeps giving me hope and stuff but at the same time she's crushing it . Tiana told me that it may just be a crush . I just don't know what to do now . I'm not disappointed or mad that she has a crush on the person I like but I'm more of a mad that she always lead people on in liking her but she says she would never like them back, I'm more disappointed and mad that she lied to me, trying to give me hope but backstabbing that when she turns around . Is she a true friend? What should I do?
Confused&Quiet ;
Natalie
Dave replies:
Sometimes there are difficult decisions between friends and romance and it
looks like Tiana has chosen romance. In doing so, she has forfeited your
friendship. Is she a true friend? It doesn't look like it. I'd do one of two
things: (a) dump her in the way she seems to be dumping the trust you placed in
her, or (b) tell her how you feel, and if she does not come up with a really
good answer, revert to (a).
I have a friend for close to 20 yrs whose life has been very similar to mine. We are single moms of 1 son each which they are now grown young men. We have become even closer over the past several yrs and had become running buddies since we are obviously older and our circle of single friends has gotten smaller.
But, my friend has found a mate after all these years and I was really happy for her.. he is a doctor and they are getting married, but even though she assured that our friendship would not dissipate it has..in the past year we went from talking to each other daily and being involved in each other's life to now we may talk every few weeks for a few minutes.
I feel used and hurt because I know she hasn't abandoned another friend of
hers that she has had even longer than me. I want to say something to her about
how I feel, but then I think I shouldn't. I always thought the world of her, and
wouldn't think that she would use anyone, but it is difficult not to think that
she only used me because she needed a running buddy, after all we had been
friends for so long. She has not reciprocated at the same level and our
friendship is changing from 'close friends' to 'acquaintance', and at this late
stage of life I am hurt since I thought we were lifelong friends and thought we
would share in each other's lives even if we did find a mate. If I didn't know
that she hasn't changed her relationship and closeness with her other lifelong
friend I wouldn't feel used and hurt.. What do you think?
-- nak
Dave replies:
How you feel is quite understandable, Nak. When a long-term friend changes
the status of your friendship of course it is going to hurt. The question is how
you think about it and what you do about it.
A trap is to reframe the friend as bad. If you think them as bad you will act as if they are bad and effectively drive them further away. This is one option, of course and you can abandon them as they seem to have abandoned you. There are many lonely people in the world who would appreciate more some of your kind attention.
Another way of looking at it is as an episode in life. For a while, you gave each other succour and support, but now the situation has changed and your friendship must change too. Like a child who moves away and only calls their parents infrequently, sometimes people move on. The child may still love their parents but they no longer need them, perhaps because their parents have given them enough in many ways to enable the child to fly the coop into greater independence.
Her spending more time other friend is curious and perhaps reflects that the person is giving more to a specific need that you do not give. This is normal! We get different things from different friends. It is quite possible that what you gave in the past she now gets from her new partner.
My advice would be to find some quality time with your friend and discuss things openly and, very importantly, without blame. Listen to what each needs and accept that some of your needs that she fulfilled in the past now must be found elsewhere. Keep the love that is there and cherish what you gave each other for so many years.
I recently moved back to my hometown in Georgia after 10 years of
living in NYC. Of course I found myself isolated and lonely, missing the (what I
thought to be) very important friendships I left up north. A month into being
here, my mother suddenly & unexpectedly passed away. I'm an only child & we were
extremely close, we battled and argued much like most mothers and daughters but
we loved each other with such intensity. The most eye opening lesson I've
learned from this experience was who turned out to be real friends. People I
didn't consider my closest friends came out of the wood work to support me and
offer an unconditional shoulder to cry on & and ear for me to vent...however my
best friend of 15 years neglected to call me after a few brief conversations the
day of my mothers death. After over a month of waiting for her to call, I
finally wrote her an email, asking her simply if I had done something to upset
her, why I hadn't heard from her? Her reply was basically this:
I love you, but I am focusing on "my path, goals & dreams". She wished me the
best and said we will always be friends, then ended her simple email stating "I
just need my space right now"
Never in my life did I expect someone so close who I've spent half of my life
with to do to me what I've seen her do to others time and time again, using her
ambition as a barrier to caring for another. Undoubtedly I tell myself how sorry
I feel for her that she is completely and totally incapable of sharing human
qualities such as sympathy and compassion, but it still does not dull the pain
of being left, asking for help and being denied even the simplest act of
kindness.
With that I will say I am so grateful for those people in my life who very much
rallied around me and still, a month and a half later (and probably as long as
it takes), continue to rally around me. True friends are indeed the most
precious gift anyone can have, and I try as often as possible to let them know
how grateful I am & how much I love them. Lesson learned...
-- Lauren
Human life is struggle home its impossible over the a that kind of problem
alone. That's why human make friends.
-- Raman
This is a good blog...
it helps to reflect on my own behaviour and feelings about my friendships
currently. I made a list of friends in good standing, fairweather, conditional
and civil by association and luckily there are 10 in good standing. Man, though
do I take my friendships seriously!!
It makes me laugh at myself how upset I can get thinking of a simple life fact like moving. Last week I had to clear out both my small cabins. The only person that showed up was my brother and my father had to tell him to go help me! I told most of my friends that I was moving but I did not ask anyone to help me move since I am always ready to help a friend if they say they are moving (w/o being asked first)... In fact I just received a thank you card from a friend I helped move a few months back saying she appreciated that I am always ready to help her.
Also, recently, a male friend gave me an ultimatum about our "friendship".
After many manipulative comments directed at controling our relationship into a
romantic place, without success on his part, he said we couldn't hang out with
our mutual friends together. Since he's the 'invite' guy, I've been iced out of
social occasions with other 'situational', and 'civil' friends I enjoy. For a
number of years now, all of the men have avoided much conversation with me,
stepping aside for this 'friend'. Now, since I have sternly and w/o inhibition
to hurting his feelings said no to his unrelentless motives he, under a guise of
being godly, has asked his friends to pray for my problem with commitment with
men. After telling me about this in our last conversation recently, I rebuked
him saying that it isn't right to make up a problem about someone because your
looking to justify why I do not reciprocate your feelings. Also, it appears that
he is trying to hurt me back. It bothers me the most that all of these mutual
friends are not supporting me since it should be obvious that I do not want him
as a boyfriend. Especially to the other men in the group who should see after 5
years that I do not like this man like that since we have never dated or alluded
to dating. I don't appreciate being slandered either. Should I let it go?
I don't understand their complacency.
That frustrates me. This 'friend' is very popular, likable guy and the ring leader of many old friends. I had fun getting to know them. Now I am sad that I am out of this group and don't feel that I did anything wrong. Lesson learned: Never fight with the most popular guy when you are moving. No one shows up. Or is it that they are simply not worthy of MY friendship. Because I give it. And I am not afraid to love people as best I can. I am glad I have other friends to talk to. But it remains hurtful to me.
I am taking a year sabbatical and this is a compelling way to move away from fairweather 'friends' who don't take a stand on what's right.
Stung, but not taken out
-- Sting
Dave replies:
Some lessons of life are hard, and it's easy to become cynical. I find
words of wisdom helpful sometimes here.
Helpful also is to explain how you feel and why. It can be difficult but at
least it clears the air and helps you decide what to do next, and stepping away
from a friendship is always an option -- for a friendship to work it has to be
right for both sides. What 'friendship' means to me may not be the same as what
it means to you. Be careful, then, in imposing your values on others.
Indeed there's danger in criticising a group leader, for by doing so you are criticising the group. There are roles (such as the Shakesperian fool) in which this can be done, but it's a slippery path. Criticising the leader can also be seen as a challenge to his/her position, resulting in a fight of some kind.
Whatever works for everyone involved.
F.E.
I think real friendships are a rare occurrence on this side of eternity.
There are many people who are there for you when times are good, but as times
change, the cycle of time shows who is true and who is false. Also, to the
comment about the girl who wanted to be friends w/ guys, they don't necessarily
have to be gay Dave. I made good friends with boy guys and girls, because I am
an understanding person. If the girl doesn't want to have a relationship or
doesn't express interest, then I am not going to push it. Once in middle school,
a friend girl of mine asked if I was, and I told her no. I actually kept hinting
that I liked her, but she never caught on. Anyway, I just hung with some girls
in middle school, cuz the guys ostracized me, because this one guy, who had
status didn't like me. Aww well.
-- William
Hi everyone. I wanted to share a story but I am not sure if it fits the criteria for this blog. I have a friend called Milos. I met him at university and initially I found him to be easy to relate to, easygoing and fairly intelligent. There was something about him that made him endearing. First of all, like many people of his age, he was into independent bands, literature, and found most faddish trends off-putting. Of all the people in the class, I had the greatest contact with him, and at times it felt as if he was not interested in being at university or doing the course he was enrolled on. In fact, he told me when I first talked to him that the course did not interest him, but it was a way out of his rural life, and since he had some funding it meant he could live in the city. If he did not he would have had to return home. Maybe this isn't significant, but many things followed this pattern in his life. He would always have one reason for doing something which could quite easily be interpreted as something else. For instance, if he did not want to do something, he would always come up with another reason, yet in all discussions it would be clear that he really wasn't very eager to indulge in anything, yet he always expressed his commitment to things. However, not everyone noticed this since few people knew him as well as I did, and also, the real reason for his actions was seldom revealed but what he did to avoid a particular event (when I already knew he was not keen on participating), he would try to come up with something that would be least offensive and he did not have to say the truth. I will get back to this later. In this way, we always remained friends and we talked as often as we could. We corresponded and shared many ideas, but I always felt that usually when he wanted to see me, r personally get in touch with me was when he needed something. This was also true before. He would need someone to sign him into college classes and I thought he needed someone to keep him in touch with what was going on in the classes, but he did not do this as other people do since he was very well spoken, laid back and very pleasant and came across as being very sincere. People really found him to be quite honest and very likeable so even people with whom he spent very little time would vouch for his integrity since he had one public face, which masked his true motivations, which were never explicitly revealed but if one spent enough time with him, it became obvious that he was selfish, avoided everything, but he was also quite sly. If you don't say what you feel and instead say something else to the same effect which also happens to be true or realistic, he would go for it, cause little or no offence, and also get sympathy. After we left university, I was the only person he stayed in touch with. His parents lived in the countryside and at times he returned home, lived with his parents and then came back to the city for short stretches, sometimes living with friends (rent free), or claiming welfare whilst saying he had some mystery illness which never stopped him from going to pubs, hanging out with his other friends, playing videogames and illegally downloading media, and going to concerts and hanging out with his brother's university friends. What's so fairweather about that? I think he just lies, he jst doesn't say what he really thinks or feels. He only hangs out with people who may be of some use to him in the future. In the last few years whilst I have been studying, he has neither worked nor done anything, and in the last few months, he was diagnosed with an illness that is very vague and allows him to stay out of work. I know for a fact that he never wanted to work in his life, and he made this pretty clear, and he cannot commit to anything that requires commitment or punctuality other than those things that interest him (such as hanging out with his friends and being involved in their projects). However, he has the best of both worlds because he does not have to pay for his living costs (he lives rent free at a flat rented by his brother and university friends) and due to their affluence and ambitions, he is able to also involve himself in their activities, network with the group and raise his profile, and anything else he can't afford, he tries to take from the resources he could exploit. For instance, whenever he has wanted advice or something material from me, he has been in touch. We both have an interest in the arts, and I think there is some disagreement on the way we see things, and in spite of having very obvious differences, he would not openly say that he disagrees with me simply because if you believe something, you do not have to say it if it would likely cause a rift in the friendship because he needs me to help him. I know this. We have have become two very different people and everything I have said or done has indicated this yet for some reason the things I know he would not agree with he never seems to say because if he does, it would mean we would become incompatible and he would not be able to take advantage of what I have achieved in the last few years. So what have I achieved. As I said before, we are both interested in the arts, and although I have hardly distinguished myself in that field, I have worked in the arts industry for a very key organisations, and have some contacts there, and he probably thinks I may have some influence amongst the people I met there. Within my chosen field of interest I have also had contact with some significant figures and have been involved in working within the area from which he is excluded since he has little practical work experience, or educational qualifications. I have just invested a lot of time in this friendship, and some of his worst qualities, oblivious to others, have always been quite evident, but I have some fondness for opportunists and people who would like an easy life. I have no sense of morality myself, and, in his place I would have done the same, and lets not pretend that if we can get something out of life by manipulating the resources, we wouldn't feel good about it. It just doesn't feel very good when you think you are one of those resources, especially when, on your part the relationship was sincere, and that you genuinely admired the person. In recent months my life has seen some turmoil and in this time i hardly heard from him. I would email him a lot, and he would not even send a reply. would ask him questions, and he wouldn't have time of day for me, yet he was neither employed nor engaged with anything. He would always make up some excuse for not seeing me (I hardly ever see him anyway, as I have been working and he often leaves town when the flat he resides in is vacated by its official residents during semester breaks). Yet, whenever he needs something from me, he comes across as being awfully nice and he just doesn't seem to really listen to what I am saying. He just seems to agree with me without listening to the details, and once he's got what he needs he is never in touch again. Recently I got fed up and thought maybe I should just forget about him, and maybe should but then, he is such a person that if I do this he will get all the sympathy since everything he does is always justifiable and he is never blatant about using people since he puts them in a position where he neither demands anything nor does anything that would be offensive. I mean, if I ditch him, people will say I was the intolerant one, and if I say I was getting nothing from his friendship, people would still say I was the selfish one. I just feel really bad since I really believed in times of trouble maybe he would understand my concerns, but he does not seem to be responsive, which to me suggests he is not committed. He has not cut me off since he has suggested he would like to start some kind of enterprise and needs me to help him. In the meantime, he has been having fun with his real friends, with whom he lives and par takes in their life and activities. I just feel excluded because if I was a friend, he would have asked me to accompany him on some of the things he does. He would rather shut me out. Maybe some people think am romantically interested in this person. This is false, I am a heterosexual male, but I thought I had found a kindred spirit, but I am beginning to see that maybe I found a chameleon who changes colour to fit into any situation. It is just that to the discerning individual, he is not very convincing, but as most of the people he is in touch with are hardly going to consider his ulterior motives for being with them, he takes advantage of their trust. I am very upset since, as i said, I thought he was a friend, but I now know that he treats me or thinks of me as being someone he could use, and it hurts because nothing he has said or done could be sincere and if that is the case, I could never get the truth from someone like this. Friends need to be honest and critical too. They shouldn't agree with everything we say. What makes a debate interesting is when people debate and disagree. If the only person only ever agrees for fear of alienating or offend ing you, it is not a friendship. Is there anything anyone wants to say?
-- Leroy
Dear Dave
I don't know what should I do! I always want to help my friends without thinking
if that is good or bad for them! Whenever they are in trouble I cant just
looking although I know that may be wrong. What should I do? I also have a
friend that I consider the best, but it seem to be that it's so hard for him to
listen to me! Whenever I'm sad or off I just want to share with him but he
nearly can not understand! I always have to solve his problems. I don't know
what to do as I make friend with so few people! I don't know if there's anyone
for me to share!
-- Tranvan
Dave replies:
Hi Tranvan. Sometimes people are not ready to listen and sometimes they are
not ready to hear what you have to say. It's like with my teenage son: he often
is not ready to listen to his father. So I back off, otherwise I would be
talking for my own benefit. I look for times when he is more open, then I pick
my words carefully and avoid over-doing it. Sometimes planting a few seeds is
better than trying to grow the whole crop at once. The secret of friendship is
often patience and understanding.
Well i have this friend who, sometimes is there for me, but other
times, like now for instance, completely ignores me. I help her out to. When she
does his I usually try to give her space, but earlier today she told me, and I
quote "I'm busy. And I don't really care" but only hours later she said I was
overacting. what did I do to her?? its really hurting me.
-- Rosa
Dave replies:
Let her know that it hurt you, but -- and this is important -- do it in a way
that is not accusing. Act as if she hadn't realized it hurt you. Don't back her
into a corner where she feels she has to defend herself. Then listen. And then
decide how much she really cares and how much of a friend she really is. Then
decide what to say and do.
Hi, I have a kinda large group of friends at school (year nine) but there seems to be like a social hierarchy. Some people are liked much more than others and people are always looking to become friends with those who are higher up in the hierarchy. The problem is I don't really have any friends in this group and i am finding it difficult to make them because people are always looking to make friends with people who are generally liked more than themselves, and as i am low on this 'social hierarchy' i cant find any friends! Also, my group seems to be interested in video games quite a lot, but my parents don't let me play them, so i cant really join the conversations that they have at school about them. The only good thing is that i do have some people who like me outside of my group, but they are all in different groups to one another, and all of these other groups have at least one person in them who doesn't like me. I have looked at the opportunity of making friends with people who aren't really in a group (loners) but i don't really want to go down to that level. So what do i do? I don't really want to take the large risk of trying to change groups, because i might be rejected which will harm my future chances of finding a group and getting more friends. Ur blog is really useful, and thx for reading my post.
-- Harry
Dave replies:
Hi Harry. Your situation is far more common than you might think. There's
two things you can do: change yourself and change what you do.
Changing yourself means trying to see how others see you and find out why, then changing what you think. For example many people are less popular because they actually think about themselves too much (this can be hard to understand and accept). Some have problems because they believe that others are superior to them (or vice versa), rather than all people being equal. Making internal changes is tricky but it's the one thing you can control. Think hard and honestly about how you think. Listen to what you say to yourself.
Changing what you do can include not trying to hard. People who chase others too much end up with the others running away or pushing them away. Learn to be happy without others. Don't bother about this social hierarchy thing. It's a strange thing, but if you want friends less then you'll have more.
Hope this helps.
Well I use to belong to this church, the church is own and ran by family
members. The pastor son would call me fairweather friend; I thought that being
called a fairweather friend was a good thing until I was reading some of the
comments prior to. I don't know why he calls me fairweather friend when I would
give my last money I had in my pockets. I had to leave the church so I could
learn how to grow in the knowledge and grace of talent that God had given me. I
was tired of burying my talent. I come back at times to visit only when they
have a need or they may need a little help in a certain area in the church.
-- Faith
I have always Tried my best to make people happy. I have a friend named
john (this name is so common, I feel okay putting it) and he's always really
been there for me when I need him. He isn't interested in anything more than
friendship, and neither am I. He's having a hard time with a girl who he is in
love with. She uses him.
The strange thing about john is that he almost seems like a reverse fairweather
friend. I texted him one time, and I told him I was crying. I didn't get a
reply, until about 10 minutes later, and he said "I'm outside, come here and
give me a hug" then we went for a drive and listened to a band we both really
love. He accepts the fact that I don't like to talk about my problems, and can
comfort me in different ways.
He does stuff like this consistently, but when he's really upset, (usually about
this evil girl he loves so much) he'll tell me about it, but all I can do is
listen to him.
He won't tell me in person, only texting or on msn, and he doesn't want anything
more than acceptance, and I guess justification of his feelings.
Am I still being a good friend? I try my best but I don't know how to make him
happy.
-- Michelle
Dave replies:
Hi Michelle. Friendship is about give and take in ways that work for both
parties. There's few rules beyond this. Fairweather friends tend not to give
what others need, which makes for a broken friendship. Sounds like you and John
help one another when you're down, giving what the other needs (and not
necessarily what you want to give). And just listening without comment or
criticism is often what's needed. So I'd say you and John are both very good
friends.
Dear Dave,
I don't know what to do. I have a friendship of which I have maintained for the past year and some months now with a girl named "K", but originally this friendship started off with us "strongly disliking" one another due to a guy we both "wanted" and several negative rumors that came afterwards. At the same time we both shared a common friend “P”, that we perceived to be each our "best friend" and constantly, we kept her in the middle sometimes with our negative feelings towards one another. The problem I am facing now is still with my friend “K”. She has been a very good friend to me in many ways listening, giving advice, supporting and encouraging me and I considered her to be my “best female” friend (even though she was originally best friends with my other friend “P”).
Whenever she confronts me about a situation, she usually comes across as rude and has a slight attitude, and I am tired of all the arguments we have been getting into usually about the similar things. Even though she has her best interest at times for me, she is a stronger Christian than I am and has a way of CONSTANTLY “picking” at things very petty such as the clothing I wear that sometimes that show very little of my cleavage (of which she comes across as nagging---and my own mother rarely does), making assumptions about my other close friendships (that she thinks we are not “real” friends----although these friends of mine have been there for me in several positive ways and continue to play an important part in my life (and I believe that she crosses the line when she makes these remarks), and her expectance to know “every little detail” about situations that are personal and I do not feel the need to explain everything to her, keep some privacy (although I trusted her the quickest out of all my friends).
All the situations along with the way she confronts me, I feel like she crosses the line with. Recently when I calmly tried talking to her about some of these things, she was rude told me and told me “not to talk to her, she is done” which kinda hurt my feelings b/c it sounded like she was “done” with our friendship. As I’ve had the time to reflect on our friendship, I feel like telling her how I feel (not to talk to me as if she is my mother and rudely in that manor) and ending our friendship (assuming we are still friends), b/c I’m tired of dealing with this situation constantly since our different views seem not to be changing that much. I know overall I will miss her presence in the end and that the friendship between myself, “P” and “K” might resume back to the way it was in the beginning with “P” in the middle and “K” and I avoiding each other. Is this the best thing for me to do b/c I have become fed up with the way she is towards me although she has been one of the “best female” friends I could hope for despite how we started out.
Priscilla
Dave replies:
Hello Pricilla. Friendships come and friendships go. It sounds like you had
a good friendship here for a while but now it's on the wane. For a friendship to
work, it must work for both parties, and this seems not be the case now. Do not
fall into the blame trap -- it is seldom anyone's 'fault' -- it just happens,
just as the seasons change. Some friendships go on for a long time and some are
for a little while. It's probably a good idea to back off for a while. Go talk
with others. Be civil when you meet, but do not expect anything from her.
I was going through a personal crisis a few months ago, and not one of
my friends came to visit me where I was living (which is approx 20 mins away
from them). These are friendships from high school, and I am not 2 1/2 years or
so graduated from college. I also know that they are gossiping and making fun of
me behind my back. I'd rather be alone at this point.
-- Adriana
Dave replies:
Those who knew you in high school may seem different now and you may seem
different to them. College changes how you think and equips you well for life.
Those who have not shared this experience can be envious or have changed in
their own way. Old friendships can be rebuilt but it's not the same because
you're not the same people. Sounds like you're well off being away from them
now. So put them behind you for now and go build a new social circle.
I understand your frustration and support you in your decision. I lived
most of my time living that way. Financially I was stable and everyone who came
along including my family were somehow helped.3yrs ago my downfall started with
my girlfriend who secretly was manipulated by her mother who was a con, left me.
We agreed to relocate to Germany and she goes first to pave the way for us while
I sort out things here. The truth was that her mother was in loads of debts and
influenced her that her previous boss wants her back and that her father left us
a small guest house for when we go. Once there the real truth came out and the
daughter fled away with all what was saved to save her mother. Things got worse
as business went down and I had 2 operations which left me out for 18 months,
after 8 yrs a court settlement was reached with my ex wife and was in her
favour. I WAS LEFT WITH NOTHING. All the people I have helped has deserted me
and gossiped about me. One particular friend remained close in the most needed
time and another has popped out now. New people are coming into my life through
these people who somehow supports me. The Lesson are there to learn .When you
swim and make yourself visible around sharks you can only be dead, handicapped
or marked. Change in attitude is the solution.
ALEXANDER G.
I know what Alexander G. means. I had a good life for for a large part of my
life. I never understood what it meant to be involved in politics. I never
understood why people were insecure and suspicious. It was only in university
where I had the first taste of what it meant to be torn. I was too friendly and
honest. Everyone was friendly and you tell the truth. However, it will come back
to bite you in the backside. Once you're in trouble, people who wanted your help
in the past will pretend that they don't know who you are. You will see all your
fair-weather friends for who they are. You will never see it coming until it's
too late. People who used to smile to you will pretend that you don't exist and
avoid you like the plague. But every cloud has a silver lining. It's in these
times that you will filter out the trash from you real friends.
-- Kevin
Hello Dave,
I have a friend here in my first job.We've been together for 6 months. Other
says that we are like "kambal" or "bestfriend" because of seeing us from tym to
tym in our company together.From the start,We always eat together from
breakfast, lunch,snacks and sometimes dinner before going home at night.And I
really enjoyed her company. You know what, I treat her as my best bud or my
bestfriend in our office.If there is only person in our office that I can
trust,she is.When there is problem within office works and even personal
problems.
Sometimes when we dont talk to each other because of mis understanding; i really
feel sad.To the point that I don't talk too much in our office and cannot
concentrate with my work.It really affects me when we don't talk just like we
always do.
-- avril
Dave replies:
Hi Avril. It's good to hear you have a good friend, and your point about feeling
loss when your friend is not there is quite normal. It will settle down after a
while and you'll be able to work ok when your friend is not there. Be careful
not to be too clingy -- when one side of a friendship needs contact more than
the other, it can push the other person away.
My gay friend thinks I like him so now I'm afraid I might lose his
friendship, just because he doesn't want me to carry my hopes up.
-- Ana G
Dave replies:
Relationships are two-sided, Ana, with both give and take in ways that work
for both people. You should be able to express your concerns and feelings in a
caring way that does not damage the friendship.
Friends are entirely predictable. When you have something they want you will have friends and relatives. When you need something you will no friends or relatives. The only person you will ever be able to be sure of is you.
-- Ray M
Dave replies:
Friends certainly should be predictable. When they are not, then
disappointment may follow.
i read about fair-weather friend. I have a friend who is there when I
need him during difficult times - he is a sounding board for me, but he is not
there during good times! I questioned him on it and he denied it! says he is
always there - don't think he realises how fickle his friendship is LOL
-- Franjelica
Dave replies:
Friends are people, too. They have needs, values, beliefs and preferences, just
like you. At least this one helps sometimes. Some 'friends' want more than they
give. And some are happy to give, perhaps because it makes them feel good.
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