Comparing behaviors

Here is a summary of key differences between assertive behavior, aggressive behavior and submissive behavior. Note how the benefits and costs of aggressive and submissive behavior are sometimes the same and sometimes opposite.

One the traps of aggressive/submissive behavior is to believe that this is all there is, and you have to be one or the other. Assertive behavior is not aggressive and not submissive nor any way in between. It takes a new position in a separate place outside the one-dimensional aggressive-submissive spectrum.

Attribute	Aggressive	Submissive	Assertive
Respect for others	Low	High	High
Respect for self	High (usually)	Low	High
Key actions	Attack others Me first Hide weaknesses Exaggerate strengths Do not concede	Submit to others Me last Visible weaknesses Downplay strengths Always concede	Respect others Me and you equal Open about weaknesses and strengths Fair exchange
Perceived benefits	Get what I want Won't get harmed Will be respected	Won't get harmed Low personal risk Will be liked	Get much of what I want Will be respected Fair relationships
Likely costs	Poor relationships Subtle revenge Lost communication	Poor relationships Get overlooked People take advantage	Do not always get what I want Confusion/envy of others

Comparing behaviors

See also