How we change what others think, feel, believe and do

The Dating Mindset

Techniques > Romance > The Dating Mindset

A functional mindset | Dysfunctional mindsets | See also

When going on dates, there is a mindset which works and mindsets which work poorly, if at all. Choose your attitude and mindset. A simple way of remembering this is to have Confident Concern: be confident in yourself and concerned for the other person.

A functional mindset

Other person first

Whether you are in a party, in a restaurant or in the bedroom, if you put the needs of the other person first, a remarkable set of things will happen.

First, you will get the reputation of being a good, romantic and sexy person to be with. When I am with person who puts me at the focus of their attention and who clearly wants me to be happy and enjoy myself, then I feel good about myself and feel good about the other person.

Secondly, you will really enjoy yourself. There is a strange thing about getting outside of your head, that you kind of lose yourself in the moment, and when you return you feel a kind of exhilaration.

Be yourself

Be you. Don't try to be Casanova or the life and soul of the party if that's not who you are. Be happy to be you and share something of yourself with the other person. Everyone is different and everyone is ok. Dating is a fascinating exploration for both sides. Be interesting and interested.

Fun

If you treat the date as an interesting and fun way of spending time with another person, then this is what you will find. If you can enjoy each moment in the excitement of a new relationship, then you will have an exciting time, no matter what the outcome.

When the other person is playing hard-to-get, then you can have fun in the thrill of the chase. When they are ready for mischief, you can both regress to childlike giggles. When they are pensive, you can enjoy an intelligent discussion.

Dysfunctional mindsets

I'm not ok

If you think you're not ok, then you will give signals about this. If you think you are unromantic and lacking sparkle, then that is where you will go. If you lack confidence, you will send 'I'm not ok' signals that tell the other person that you are not a good person to be with.

The trick with the 'I'm awful' mindset is not to try and think good things about yourself. Use the 'other person first' method above, and you will become the ok person you want to be.

Some dates work and others do not. That's the nature of dating. People who lack confidence often take bizarre pleasure in dates that do not work out, as this provides them with confirmation of their negative self-beliefs.

Social approval

Some people who go on dates seem more concerned with what their friends and family think about their date than what they themselves think. We are so driven by our social relationships that we often forget that we are in charge of our own lives.

Social approval includes gossip about who is going out with who, how you look when you go out, what you did or did not do on the date and so on. Your friends will give you sage advice (even if they do not follow it themselves) or egg you on to things you'd rather not do.

The best thing to do with advice from friends is to listen and then decide for yourself. You cannot let others run your life. Some advice is helpful, whilst other advice will ruin your life.

Sex, sex, sex

Whilst we are driven by our 'selfish genes' who just want to reproduce themselves, focusing only on sex leaves out an awful lot of the longer-lasting fun and real happiness you can find in even on a single date.

People (usually, but not exclusively, men) who focus on sex as the sole goal of the date will likely be disappointed. First, because most people will spot the game a mile away (and women are particularly good at this). Secondly, because bad sex has very little to say for itself.

Those with sex-only mindsets often get these from peers, where their real pleasure is not in the act of intercourse, but in the bragging afterwards. In fact, whether they have sex or not, they can still brag about it, which strangely defeats the object.

See also