The ChangingMinds Blog!

ChangingMinds Blog! > Blog Archive > 23-Oct-06

Monday 23-October-06

Breaking up

On Saturday, my daughter's boyfriend dumped her. It was out of the blue and a terrible shock for her. I have seldom seen someone so much in love and cannot imagine the blow that it still is for her.

She has cried herself out several times and will no doubt weep much more. This is good. It is a cathartic process and she needs to grieve. In the way that we build our selves out of others (through such as introjective identification), the part that was her boyfriend has been ripped away and the wound hurts like no other. Letting go is a part of the healing process. Releasing the past (and the future she had projected) will allow her to find a new path and new meaning.

Her now-former boyfriend is not a bad guy, but he is a fool: women like Heledd are rare and precious. She is one of the most honest and courageous people I know and is highly self-aware. She understands the process that she must go through and the dangers of becoming bitter or trapped in denial. Paradoxically, she is currently writing an article for a journal on the Kübler-Ross grief cycle. She will survive, and perhaps better than most, though not without pain.

Breaking up is hard to do, as the song goes, and this one will be harder than most. As a father, I carry a part of her with me, and so share some element of her pain. It is the curse of parenthood that you can only do so much. I cannot wash away her agony, but I can be there and maybe in some ways help her come to terms with what has happened. In the end, however, the journey is hers.

Your comment on this blog: