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The need for: Belonging
Explanations > Needs > Belonging
The deep need to belong| The limits to belonging | So what?
The deep need to belong
The evolutionary driver
Some species live largely alone, whilst others have learned that if you form a tribe, you can share out the work and hence live more safely. Homo sapiens, of course, is one of the latter, tribal species.
Living in the tribe does have its cost, however, as you have to abide by shared rules and cannot just do whatever you wish. Evolution has shown, however, that the benefits far outweigh these costs, and we are now pre-programmed with a deep need to belong that drives us towards forming and joining tribes.
A basic Maslow need
Belonging is one of the more basic needs in Maslow's Hierarchy, where it comes just above health and safety. This low level indicates how fundamental this need is. Being below esteem shows how we first want to join a group, then gain its esteem. Although 'belonging' needs include love and affection, we will often prefer to be in a low social position within a group than leave and try to find another group. 'Belonging' need is stronger than 'esteem' need.
The limits to belonging
In the modern world there are many, many groups who want you to belong to them-- provided you are similar enough and can afford it, of course. Your interest, time and money are limited, so what do you do?
The hierarchy of belonging
Most people have a hierarchy of belonging that they will use when there is a conflict of interests between the various groups to which they belong
For example, I belong to my family group first, then my immediate work group, then the larger company, then my country. It is not quite as simple as this and there are always exceptions and variations, but the principle is nevertheless useful.
A limited set of groups
In practice, the number of groups to which we can effectively belong is limited by time and the confusion and complexity of having to juggle too many priorities.
Most people will have a short list of around three to five major affiliations. Other groups are secondary and they will pay attention to them 'when they have the time.'
So what?
So understand what groups the other person belongs to, and how attached they are to them. Then either play to the values and needs of those groups, or act to weaken their ties to groups which oppose your purpose.
If you want to really influence someone, you must be in the same group as them. You can do this by joining one of their groups or having them join yours.
You can also promise inclusion or threaten expulsion from a group where you hold sway (so work to achieve a position of influence within your own groups). The threat of being ostracized will scare many people into compliance. This approach is used a great deal, often on a very subtle level.
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